People pleasers: how to be more assertive at work
Grab this simple step-by-step guide to become more assertive at work, if like me, you are a people pleaser.
This guide has been lovingly crafted for people who struggle to say no or negotiate when others ask for help. It's for that super helpful person who postpones their life goals because they keep prioritising someone else's.
This guide supports a 30 mins video live I published on LinkedIn in May 2022.
What's inside the guide?
Here's a sneak peak...
Why we people please
People pleasers, we love to help others, don’t we? It’s what we do. And we love the positive feedback when the other person is happy thanks to us, “Oh Helen thanks so much, you are a life saver.”
Why we are people pleasers is an old story and it’s worth Googling the term as there are some great articles explaining why we do it. To nutshell why, it’s.....
Human needs list
We all have needs. And in every moment of everyday we are trying to get our needs met. We can’t always get all our needs met. As a people pleaser, and being around my mum as a child, my need to belong, for peace, for ease, acceptance, love, appreciation and perhaps touch of safety were generally more urgent, than my need for support, consideration, to matter and ....
Step1: Get curious about your needs
Get really curious about your needs. All of them. At any one time, even when watching a movie, ask yourself what needs are getting met, and which needs aren’t getting met? Use the needs list below to....
Step 2: Pro step: get curious about their needs
Let’s call this a pro step because it’s not easy. If you can, get curious about the other person’s needs? What are they....
Step 3: The language to explore options
Turn your needs (and if you can, their needs) into a conversation, in order to explore options together. Below is an example structure of what to say.
Step 4: Lean in - hold on - breath
People pleasers typically get unstuck when the other person:-
a) isn’t open to exploring different options
b) uses silent treatment or an intense stare
c) guilt-trips or uses martyr talk
d) attempts shaming techniques
Sacrifice vs service
Another way of looking at people pleasing is understanding the difference between sacrifice and service. Sacrifice has been heralded as a noble act. I disagree. Here's why....
Do tell me how you get on or reach out if you have further questions on this or need another type of how-to guide to manage everyday work challenges.